Q: I am worried about my mother. She used to have a rich, active social life, but in the past few years, several of her friends have died and others have moved to be closer to their children. Still others have moved to retirement communities and their social lives now center around their new community rather than their old friends. She does not want to move to such a community. When I call her to check in, it sounds like there are many days when she is home alone all day, reading and watching TV. She also used to be very active in her small synagogue, but now feels that the younger people have taken over and there are very few activities in which she can participate. When I suggested to her that she move to my community (which is a 5-hour car ride away) and do some occasional babysitting for my 8 and 10 year old, she worried that she would really be without friends. While she is healthy now, I worry that, as she ages, her health will decline, and she is quite far away from me and my brother. I live in a community where the temple has an active senior group as well as a book group. What is the best thing for my mother to do to expand her social life?
A: You are wise to be concerned. The Harvard study on Aging found that the most important component of a good life is strong relationships. Regardless of whether your mother moves or stays, it is vitally important for her to expand her network and interests. You can and should assist in this process as it may be hard for your mother to break out of her rut on her own. New friendships require effort.
The way I see it, your mother has two choices. She can stay in her existing community and work to expand her activities and friendships, or she can move to your community and start to build a new network. In both cases, many of my suggestions are going to be the same.
One advantage to trying to expand her network while saying put, is that the experience she gains will serve her well if she later decides to move. Perhaps she is not ready to move now, but in a year or two she might decide that she wants to be closer to family. While staying in her current location, she may be able to join some Zoom activities in your location, such as an online book group. This will give her some familiar names and faces if she does eventually move, and she can then reach out to those people to suggest meeting an in-person meeting for lunch or a museum. Obviously, if she moves to your community, she can certainly get started by joining the senior group and the book group at your temple.
In either location, she should also see if there is a Jewish Family and Children’s services organization that she can reach out to. They may have some great volunteer opportunities, which will give her an activity and also be a resource for meeting new people. She can also investigate other volunteer opportunities. She can see if there is an active senior center, they will have a wide variety of activities that she can try. If she has any particular interests, like knitting or sewing, there might be groups she can join. The library is another great resource, often hosting book groups or sewing circles or leading an English as a second language discussion group. In her current location, she should talk to someone at the temple about starting a senior group or design more active aging activities. Perhaps she can offer to be the coordinator. One resource for ideas is the Active Aging Resource Network, which is an organization that promotes Jewish and Civic engagement during the period from mid-life into retirement.
You can encourage her to take classes which are both in person and interactive. A memoir writing class is a perfect example. To determine what classes to take, you can help her to reflect on the past to remember some of her old interests. You might recall that she used to like to paint and draw. You can expand this discussion into one in which you ask her to think about things she always wanted to try. Perhaps she has always loved music, but never had a chance to learn an instrument. You can help her by doing some online research into classes in the areas that are of interest to her. She may be interested in learning the variety of Jewish thinking about ethics or the Iran war. Many colleges offer free classes to seniors. She may find the attitudes of the younger generation stimulating and engaging even if she disagrees.
Another social outlet might be to try to find some of her friends from the past. Social media is a great tool for locating them. She may then be able to resume some of these friendships by phone or Zoom. Old friends might help remind her of some of her former hobbies. The virtual connections are helpful should her mobility become limited.
When she does come to visit you, try to introduce her to some peers and have her try some activities in your area, such as the temple senior group. This way if she does eventually move, she will have a head start. If your children’s school has a grandparents day, be sure to have your mom attend so she can meet some of the other grandparents.
Your mother is lucky to have a concerned daughter. Continue to provide both practical and emotional support as your mother puts in the effort required to broaden her social connections