I took time during the Days of Awe which begin with Rosh Hashanah and end with Yom Kippur to learn new ways to respond to an old situation. So here goes…
Like many of my friends, who are parents of adult children, we struggle with the power dynamic between the generations and the many pernicious ways generational differences create chaos and make unwanted waves. I’m beginning to formulate a theory: the secret to living happily ever after when you have adult kids is understanding and respecting generational and innate differences.
The Babylonian Talmud states: the love of parents goes to their children, but the love of these children goes to their children.
Think about the love of children and the love of parents:
A person loses his father. It is very sad — a time for retrospection and repentance. How does the son feel, however, when he suddenly hears that his father in passing left an enormous inheritance for him?…With the sadness, there is nonetheless still some joy. The grief can be pushed aside for a bit of materialistic joy.
But when the contrary happens and the son passes away and leaves behind more wealth than the world has ever seen…the father doesn’t care (at all) for the money. He cares for his son. He says, “Let the world have the money! What is money to me, alas, I have lost my blessed son! I would rather be the poorest man in the world if I could only have my dearest child.”
(Written by Rabbi Mordechai Menachem Reich as found in Jewish Wisdom by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin).
Think about when children and parents disagree:
The Torah (the first five books of the Hebrew Bible) teaches each of us to revere our mother and father. But one does not owe one’s parents control over one’s conscience. A child need not listen to a parent who tells him not to forgive or reconcile with a certain person. Nowhere in Jewish liturgy are children asked to disregard their own needs in order to accommodate the needs of the parents.
(Voices of Wisdom by Francine Klagsbrun).
Think about when parents grow old or become mentally disturbed and difficult:
The child should try to indulge the vagaries of the stricken parent, but if he finds he cannot endure the situation, let him leave and go away and appoint others to care for them properly.
Many sages and scholars say that the most difficult to observe of the 613 commandments is Honor Your Father and Mother. The commandment does not say “love” like it says love your neighbor, love the stranger and love God. Love is too volatile in this case.
Honor means giving food, drink, clothes and comfort and leading your father and/or mother in or out when old — accepting one’s parents as they are in spite of their shortcomings.
Revere means more like: Don’t contradict a parent’s words or side with their opponents.
Both my parents have passed away and all my children are adults. In light of that, the above recommendations are beginning to make a lot of sense — helping me to adopt realistic expectations in relation to the mother/adult son dynamics. And I’m more energized than ever before to honor my adult sons’ perspectives, while keeping my heart open and loving.
May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life for the coming year.
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
Iris Ruth Pastor
PS: Let us keep in our prayers and thoughts the many victims of devastation from Hurricane Helene and Hurricane Milton and offer aid and resources when we can.
