Q: I am the mother of two children, one of whom has autism. I live in a community where many people host shabbat dinner and invite others over to attend. I notice that we don’t get invitations to these shabbat dinners, and I wonder if it is due to my child’s disability. I also notice that whenever the kids go up to the bimah at the temple for the kiddush, when they come down, the whole congregation congratulates each child and ignores my child. My child does struggle in social situations, but he needs the practice of experiencing these occasions so that he can get better at them.
I know that I learned how to have conversations with adults around the shabbat table. How can I be sure that my son gets opportunities for conversation and praise at Jewish events?
A: I too have noticed this and have spoken with many parents of children with a variety of challenges who are experiencing the same lack of inclusion. Perhaps the other families feel that it would be too difficult for you to attend and manage the disability in an unfamiliar setting. They also might be afraid that they will not know how to treat your child correctly. They may be worried that the other children won’t know how to include your child in activities.
I hate to make more work for you, but the best way to get your family involved in this shabbat exchange might be for you to host a few times and invite over others. This will allow your son to be in a familiar environment when meeting these new people. It will allow others to get to know your son and perhaps realize that it would not be that difficult to host him. Your shabbat meal can be very simple. You can easily buy a pre-made rotisserie chicken and serve some baked potatoes and ask your guest to bring a salad and dessert. Have some activities planned for the kids that your son can do.
You might be lucky enough to be in a congregation, which has a committee that facilitates Shabbat dinner. You might approach the head of the committee, which organizes Shabbat exchanges, and explain your problem and indicate that you are willing to host. Perhaps just as they ask if you would like a home without pets or only vegetarian, they can ask if some of the hosts would be willing to invite a person with challenges. You can provide more detailed information about your son and any special accommodations he may need so that other host families will feel more comfortable. And again, though it’s more work for you, you could suggest and chair such a committee if one does not exist.
You might also look around for others who might be left out of the Shabbat dinners. Perhaps some of the single people or the elderly are not being included as well. Invite them to join you. It will provide opportunities for your child to learn to socialize, and you will be doing a mitzvah as well.
You can also consider starting an inclusion committee in your congregation to educate the whole congregation about the various special needs within the community. My congregation has a spectacular committee of parents, some professionals and a variety of other interested people. They have speakers. They have shown films. The committee has educated the community and expanded the opportunities for those with challenges. While this would make more work for you, it would also increase your social circle and thus that of your son. You can access resources for the committee from Gateways; Access to Jewish Education. In addition, Gateways has spectacular activities for every Jewish Holiday to get young children and those with special needs involved in the holiday.
Another temple near me has a group which is a group of adults with disabilities that meet for fun and spirited Jewish-themed activities. New participants, aides and family members are always welcome, and you need not be a Temple member to attend. Lastly, you might also talk to the person in charge of the Religious School or Youth Programming about pairing your son up with a teenage volunteer or peer that can be trained to be a buddy with your son at synagogue events.
I know it may feel uncomfortable to reach out, but it is very likely that you will find community members who are happy to help you. You just need to make the initial effort.