Q: I’ve been married to my wife for ten years. I’m Jewish and she isn’t, but it has never been much of a problem. Neither of us are particularly religious; I’ve gone to her parents’ house for Christmas and she’s done a seder with my family. I’ve also never been especially active in my Jewish community. As the Hamas-Israel conflict has worn on, my wife and I have continually butted heads. She and I are both relatively progressive and outraged by allegations that Israel has killed civilians. I find myself conflicted, though. At the outset, it was easy to just dodge the conversation, but now it seems like every time the issue comes up, it drives a huge wedge between us. Last night she snapped and said, “Why do you even care about Israel all of a sudden? You’ve never even been there.” How do I explain to her why this issue is important to me and that I’m not heartlessly ignoring the plight of the Palestinians?
A: Many Jews, especially young Jews, have been surprised by how much passion and vulnerability they feel after the October 7 attacks on Israel and the ensuing conflict. It is extremely difficult for anyone who is not Jewish to understand why American Jews care about this “tiny plot of land in the Middle East.” In fact, on an NPR interview, Max Larkin, a reporter on education, commented “Do you know if you are a Jewish American or a Jewish Ethiopian anywhere in the world I think, knowing the vast diversity of our world would have an ironclad affinity with the state they’ve never been to. It’s like Catholics and the Pope.” Or, as my friend related to me recently, “I’ve been involved with two Jewish men and I’m totally sympathetic, but I have absolutely no idea why it’s a complete obsession with my husband.”
It’s hard to understand why someone would feel loyalty to a place they’ve never been.
Accusations of dual loyalty have been levied for antisemitic purposes since time immemorial. The idea that Jews can never be fully part of society, or that, during times of crisis, their loyalty is compromised, has been used to justify state-sponsored hatred of Jews. The modern configuration, where Jews who care about Israel are accused of being “loyal” to a foreign power, has not produced the pogroms and attacks of the past (although antisemitic attacks are up over 380%, according to the ADL), but that doesn’t make the rhetoric any less dangerous.
The post traumatic stress of the Jewish people is well earned. We have time and time again learned that peace and coexistence can turn into massacre. The Oct. 7 mass murders in Israel villages call to many Jewish minds the pogroms in Russia when Cossacks roared through Jewish villages, killing anyone in sight. We learned from Hitler’s tactics that promises of protection in exchange for loyalty can quickly lead to exploitation and gas chambers.
In a short time, the intelligentsia in Germany and Austria turned from chatting with Jews to starving and killing them. Since the attacks, we’ve seen an increase in mainstream rhetoric that Israel is an apartheid state, that they’re following in the footsteps of Hitler, and that Jews, due to their potential loyalty to Israel, can’t be trusted. Sympathy for the raped or killed in Israel has turned to justification of Hamas terrorism. We are not hysterically exaggerating when we point out that this could turn into something more dangerous. Our guts have learned from the past.
We have been accused of kidnapping babies and using their blood to make out matzah. We have been called an international cabal who seeks to take over the world. We’ve been labeled the killers of Christ.
All of these accusations have caused tolerance to turn to hatred and bloodshed in a nanosecond. In the past, people who we saw as trustworthy turned around and persecuted us.
This does not mean that we should never trust someone who isn’t Jewish. Some of our greatest historical allies have been non-Jews. But this does make us wary of political or social rhetoric that singles out Jews.
You may have no connection to Israel, but you know Israel was the hope of the Jewish people after the Holocaust. You may never have been there, but you know that every Jew can go to Israel to find safety. It was a safe place, that is, until October 7th, when the idea of a refuge from anti-Jewish sentiments and violence was deeply and deliberately disturbed. When Israel is attacked, the potential safety of the Jewish people is attacked because history has shown that we have no permanent safe place to go.
This is what you can explain to your wife. You may not agree with the policies of the government, you may disagree completely with Netanyahu, but you can still feel bereft. Your generational trauma has instilled in you the value of a safe homeland for the Jewish people. This is a feeling that occurs quite naturally for Jews, but to those who don’t come from the same background, or maybe younger generations who have never known a time where Jews have faced an existential threat (or a time when Israel was not seen as the perpetual aggressor), it can be difficult to understand.
Israel is between a rock and a hard place. It cannot survive with insurgents regularly killing its civilians, and it can’t act decisively against its enemies when they are using hospitals and schools as human shields.
If you live near a Holocaust museum, I encourage you and your wife to go. If you don’t, documentaries on streaming services or even online can provide a framework for why the safety of Israel is more than just a political issue. The recent Ken Burns documentary, the US and the Holocaust, is a personal recommendation of mine. It describes how American diplomats abandoned the Jews. You can both learn and teach your people’s history to her and her family.
The ultimate goal is not to convert your wife into a Zionist. It would be wonderful if you agreed on everything. You two could learn together and find that you still disagree, but can agree to disagree. Your wife may or may not be able to mirror your feelings, but she should at least understand why you feel this way.
I don’t think your wife is antisemitic. She just doesn’t understand, and this is extremely difficult to understand. You may never agree. The goal here is to educate, explain, and hope that you’ll regain peace in your home. There is no perfect solution, but with enough dedication, both of you can reach a workable, long-term understanding. Hopefully, Israel and Palestine can, too.