Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your immense stubbornness lately seems to be coinciding with the appearance of an abundance of frogs, flies, and gnats. It might be wise to listen to the person who has been making a request to you lately. Also buy some antibiotic cream. And a good flashlight. You’re going to need them.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your wife is about to ask you to build an altar to Baal. It is not advisable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You’ve been having a lot of disagreements with your shepherd brother lately. But you’re both so level headed, you’ll probably work it out and be best friends for ever and ever.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
If you are planning any foreign travel lately, you should disguise your wife as your sister. It’s a safer way to travel. Just make sure she doesn’t meet any foreign kings and you’ll have a fine time abroad.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A change in leadership in your organization will cause massive upheaval. Consider collecting jewelry from your colleagues and practicing your smelting skills. It’s a great way to demonstrate your leadership while your organization is in transition.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Temptation appears in your future. Your friend is away at war and his wife seems to favor rooftop baths. The stars advise you to ignore her and avoid the drama.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
It’s been raining pretty heavily lately. You better hurry up on that boat building project. Remember, three hundred cubits by fifty cubits, by thirty cubits. Don’t worry — the whole thing will end with you in a vineyard.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
If you’re a resident of Sodom and two ethereal strangers show up in your town, it’s time to leave. Pack your bags and put blinders on your wife. Trust the stars and hustle.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
God is about to ask you to sacrifice your son in a bizarre, mountainside ceremony. Honestly, just go with it. It’ll make for a great story.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If you’re planning an extended trip with a group of people soon, pack extra clothing. You will likely be waylaid — by about forty years.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Trust your ears when you’re out pasturing your flocks in the coming days. Voices will be coming from all sorts of strange places — keep an eye on that sagebrush bush.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be confused soon when your pet donkey begins to speak to you. Listen to her — she’s smarter than you.
