“The Final Mitzvah — A Jewish End-Of-Life Book, Planner, and Survivor Guid”
By Paul Allen Steinberg
“We should get it taken care of,” my wife said, and I thought, “OK, but who do I even call to buy a cemetery plot? My rabbi?” Then I remembered JCGC (Jewish Cemeteries of Cincinnati). They run the Jewish cemeteries in town. So I went to their website and found the guy to call — Bill Kahn! So far, so good. But there was a snag. Bill told me that only singles were left at the Montgomery cemetery. If we wanted two together, we should look at the beautiful new Loveland cemetery that just opened. He asked me if I wanted to take a drive out to meet him. It’s not exactly like shopping for a summer condo in Florida, but I asked my wife if she could go with me to meet Bill at the new Loveland cemetery. He was easy to spot. His car was the only one there. He was parked in front of an open field. I could see two headstones way out in the distance, and the rest of the field was totally empty other than two young trees. He asked us what section we would want: Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform. I said Conservative, since we belong to a Conservative shul, but I really didn’t know much about the differences. If I had read the book, “The Final Mitzvah” before I went, I would have been more prepared.
“The Final Mitzvah” is both a comprehensive workbook to plan for the end of life and a survivor’s guide. As my wife said to me, “We should get it taken care of.” By filling out the workbook pages and taking the time to plan, it can relieve some of the stress for a survivor who has just lost a loved one. Planning for the end of life may not be at the top of most people’s Sunday afternoon to-do list. But as we age, more people realize it’s time to get things done. According to a Gallup study, almost half of adults in the U.S. over 50 have made out a will. Once they reach retirement age, like my wife and me, that number jumps to over 70%.
This workbook goes way beyond making a will. One section is dedicated to taking care of your pets once you are gone. There are workbook pages for documenting your pet’s feeding schedule, daily routine, behavioral information, and medications. You can also note your rehoming preferences. They provide room to fill in the information about multiple pets, if you have more than one.
The author, Paul Allen Steinberg, included a section to document your streaming services. Nowadays, people may have a plethora of streaming accounts with companies like Netflix, Hulu, YouTube TV, Paramount+, and Peacock. In my family’s case, most of those accounts are in my name with my credit card, and I have all of the logins. With the workbook, I can write out all the information about our streaming services in one place, so my wife can easily find it.
The book excels as a survivor’s guide packed with information about Jewish traditions, even if your loved one never filled out the workbook pages. What is the Chevra Kadisha? What is the tradition at Jewish funerals when people participate in the burial by shoveling dirt into the grave? Why do people turn their shovel upside down? According to the book, “When filling the grave, it is customary to use the shovel in a reversed manner for the first act of filling. This non-normal use of the shovel underscores the reluctance to perform this mitzvah, reflecting the deep sorrow of parting from a loved one.” Why do people wash their hands after leaving a cemetery? Why do we have to bury a loved one so quickly? Why did my rabbi refrain from listening to live music for a year after his mom passed away? What are the Hebrew words people say to mourners to comfort them at the cemetery? What happens in the different stages of mourning, such as Shiva and Shloshim, and how long do you say Kaddish for a parent or a spouse? Many of these types of questions are answered for the survivors. The book uses large print with bullet points, making it easy to follow. I had a boss who wanted us to sum things up using bullet points instead of writing him long emails. He would have loved the format of this book!
The information provided would have been a comfort to me twenty-five years ago when my mother passed away. I could have used a 101 course. I wasn’t nearly as familiar with the customs of mourning and burial back then. Even now, I found it educational reading through the glossary that defined Hebrew terms, such as Hakamat Matzevah, which the book states is “The ceremony of unveiling a tombstone, usually done a year after death.” I knew about unveilings, but I didn’t associate the Hebrew name for it. I appreciated that the glossary included both the actual Hebrew as well as the transliteration. It’s hard for me to know the proper pronunciation without seeing the Hebrew.
A unique feature is that the book explains the differences in customs and traditions for the various Jewish denominations, including Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, and Renewal. After most topics, the author uses bullet points for each denomination with information about how the practice would be followed if you were Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, etc. Even though I focused on my own denomination, I found it interesting learning about the others.
The book outlines how to create an ethical will. I first heard about ethical wills during an amazing Yom Kippur program presented by Rabbi Gary Zola many years ago. With an ethical will, it’s not about the possessions you leave behind; it’s about your hopes and dreams for the people you leave behind. According to the author, “An ethical will, unlike a legal document, is a personal document that conveys your values, experiences, and life lessons to your family or loved ones. It’s a way to share your beliefs, wishes, and what you hold dear.” Two pages of bullet points show what people usually include in their ethical will. For me, it helps to see actual examples in addition to the bullet points that the book provides. There are several good books available with examples, such as “Ethical Wills a Modern Jewish Treasury,” edited and annotated by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stampfer. If you want to read the ethical wills of historic Jewish figures like the Baal Shem Tov and Maimonides, you may want to try “Hebrew Ethical Wills: Volumes I and II,” edited by Israel Abrahams.
Author Paul Allen Steinberg covers every detail you could think of regarding the financial and legal matters people deal with after the death of a loved one, such as estate closure, issuing death certificates, probate, and much more. The workbook provides room to fill in all of your financial accounts, and even offers space to fill in current debts and loans to make it easier for the executor or the survivor to locate all of the information.
One of the most fascinating sections is the appendix. What if your loved one dies overseas and you need to get them back to the U.S.? Or what if you want to transport your loved one to a different country? The appendix lists information for the survivor about the legal issues and government agencies to contact in different countries, including Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Italy, Japan, the Netherlands, Poland, Spain, and the United Kingdom.
The subject matter of this book may not be the first thing people would want to read, but it is an excellent resource to have on hand, especially for those not as familiar with Jewish customs. It also made me think about all of the information that would be helpful to document, which could be a nightmare for people to try to figure out on their own once I’m gone.
*** Bill walked back to his car and got out a map of the new Loveland cemetery as my wife and I attempted to pick out the right location. We’ve debated fireplace options and wall colors for the house we built, but it was surreal to be standing out in an open field with her discussing the young oak tree.
I said, “How about near the oak tree?”
My wife said, “With acorns hitting me?”
I said, “But think of the squirrels and other wildlife that would be up there.”
Our dog loves to chase squirrels, and we enjoy watching the birds and other wildlife in our yard. But it really wasn’t about us. It was about our survivors. We hoped the young oak tree would have at least twenty years to grow before we needed it, and by then it could provide shade for the people who came to visit. That’s what the book “The Final Mitzvah” is about. It is about the survivors and providing them with added comfort to make things a little bit easier.
