By Margalit Tepper M.S.W and Dr. Ruth Nemzoff
Two questions have come in that are similar, but from different perspectives. I have invited Margalit Tepper, a Millennial social worker friend, to weigh in.
Q: I am really struggling to find social activities that are open to me. Now that I have turned forty, I don’t feel as welcome anymore at “young professional” mixers that appeal to a 20s and early 30s crowd and it seems most events for folks my age are family-oriented and for those with children. However, some of the activities for seniors seem really fun but it would seem strange if I showed up to those events. I would be the youngest person in the room. I consider myself to be friendly and personable and enjoy talking with some of the “older ladies” when I go to temple but I just can’t seem to find my right niche. Any thoughts?
And Q: Our synagogue is struggling with offering programs that resonate with our varied population of congregants. I worry that offering programming for those in 20s and 30s might not feel welcoming to someone a bit older but who might be child-free and would not engage with our parenting programs. Additionally, our 65+ congregants are active and sharp and might be bored with some of the traditional offerings.
A. Engaging in programming with an affinity group (i.e. a group of people “like you”) can be immensely helpful because people often share a common cultural context from their generation and because certain challenges often arise at defined points throughout our lifespans. Synagogues and Jewish community groups offer adult age-segmented programming for two reasons: it is a logical way to break a large community into smaller groups and it’s an efficient way to meet the needs of individuals during many life cycle events.
For those in the 20s and 30s age range, programming often has a goal of helping young folks meet, mingle, date, meet other young families, or form personal connections. Parent-focused programming helps growing families through challenges of child-rearing, while programming for older adults might have a goal of decreasing isolation and promoting better health and mental well-being.
However, what we tend to overlook is that building stronger networks and decreasing isolation is important at all stages of the lifespan and is not unique to a particular age group. Couples who decide to raise children in their 40s might feel excluded from programming aimed at young adults, even though they’re in the same boat in terms of life events. If we can expand the idea of “child-rearing” to apply across all ages, or even assisting one’s aging parents and the struggle to take care of oneself, it becomes a much more universal experience.
We all, of course, are a mixture of many identities and our chronological age might not be reflective of what we are experiencing psychosocially. We have a chronological age, but our stage of life may not be typical of our generation. Some folks might struggle with health issues earlier than what might be expected that can make longevity look different from peers. Or we may be marrying in our 50s or 60s for the first time, a simcha typical of younger folk.
The pandemic also had very real effects on our experiences with time and reshaped some societal norms around age. It taught us that the biggest barrier to elder participation in the community was physical, not mental or emotional. Seniors could still take part in lively discussions across all age groups once the programming was made more accessible by moving to Zoom and hybrid events. This forced us to reconsider how physical accessibility plays into community involvement.
Investments in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) efforts have taught us that people are more than just a simple label. We must question our dominant narratives around how physical age limits community involvement. For these reasons, it would be helpful for there to be more offerings that are truly age inclusive and can do away with labels in favor of the impact we want that programming to have.
One program offered in the Boston area is the Roots Havdalah service. This program was started by two Rabbis, one from a Conservative congregation and one from a Reform congregation. They felt that there was so much age-segmented programming being offered but no real space to forge meaningful community. Roots is a non-denominational Saturday night experience where American songs are intertwined with prayers for a Havdalah service. The crowd includes 20 and 30 year old young professionals, new-to-town families with young children, groups of single friends, empty-nesters, and respected elders. In making everyone feel welcome in this space, it becomes easier to build connections. The newly arrived parents might be invited over for dinner by the empty nesters; a young professional might learn of a job from one of the elders. It’s a collaborative effort that widens the sphere of engagement and one that is open to all — regardless of age, denomination, synagogue affiliation, or level of Jewish knowledge.
It can also be helpful to strengthen your friendships with those older acquaintances who you see in passing at synagogue or around town. Having a conversation with someone outside your peer group can give you a new perspective or feel supportive, particularly if your life experiences might not currently match up with folks in the same age group. You might find that there is less comparison and judgment. While you might not have a shared understanding on every topic, there is often a fresh perspective to be gained on both sides.
Perhaps there is a common activity you might share an interest in, like art or history. Organizations like JArts and Center for Jewish History offer engaging and unique interactive virtual programming that can be fun to watch and discuss together. The Jewish Food Society collects stories and recipes from all over the Jewish diaspora that can be shared and also has a podcast with short episodes. Local museums and libraries also offer secular programming that can span generations. Synagogues, Sisterhoods and Brotherhoods, and community groups should also consider offering low-commitment activities and meetups that have broad appeal like a monthly Sunday brunch or a film screening. Making the invitation open to all allows access for everyone in the community, especially those who might not fit into their segmented space.
It is now more important than ever to build stronger communities and engage more closely with one another. Intergenerational friendships are rewarding and help us expand our definitions of family and community. Synagogues and Jewish groups can demonstrate their commitment to inclusion by making an effort to create spaces that bring all of us together.