I don’t give up on people. Or friendship.
I think:
If only I try harder, she will like me.
If I just interact with her in a caring way, the caring will be reciprocated.
I take one of her rare positive reactions as a jumping-off point signifying the beginning of a new chapter for our relationship — one of acceptance and mutual affection. And I am always caught off guard when her baseline of indifference and low-level animosity returns in full force. It always surprises me.
I give with lower and lower expectations of a favorable response. And yet, I continue to give.
I scrutinize my own behavior relentlessly looking for an answer on why I am constantly made to feel irrelevant by this person and am constantly aiming to try to change the dynamics between us.
I chafe at feeling undervalued and, against logic, once more — go the extra mile.
I compliment.
I gift.
I praise.
I smile.
I hide my pain.
The most valuable gift I am giving myself is letting go of this person’s hold on me.
Of letting go of my desire for a relationship and a friendship for whatever dark reasons will never be.
I’m redirecting my love and care and affection to the many people in my life who appreciate me and know my intentions are honorable.
And I am looking to Judaism for answers.
Judaism places significant emphasis on the value of relationships while also underscoring that we need to maintain a healthy environment for ourselves. What does that mean?
The Talmud teaches us that we shouldn’t put ourselves in situations that lead to harm. I take this to mean distancing from toxic encounters.
The Torah emphasizes the importance of respect and dignity in relationships. If that does not exist, limiting interactions is permissible.
Judaism values peace and encourages reconciliation, but not at the cost of our mental, physical or emotional health. I take this to mean I can bow out with little regret.
And I keep in mind too that self-love isn’t vanity – it’s sanity and getting rid of toxic people in my life is an act of self-love.
Let’s embrace ourselves and hold this message close.
