As some of you may recall, last month I began this 3-part series talking about the way many people live their lives and interact with others. I called it the Head-Heart-Hip-Gut-Butt approach to life. Some may go through life making decisions about themselves or others using their head (rational thought), their heart (sentimental, emotional feelings), shooting from the hip (making decisions without thinking or empathy for what those decisions may mean for themselves or others), their gut (if the action hits them in the gut in an uncomfortable way and takes them out of their comfort zone, they steer clear of it), or they fly by the seat of their pants (their butt) in matters that should be taken more seriously. I will refer to this phenomenon as the H-H-H-G-B rule for the remainder of this series of columns. Today’s column is about relationships.
In relationships, some people use the H-H-H-G-B rule and fail miserably. This column is my attempt to pull back the curtain on some of the underlying conditions that affect the way we make decisions about relationships.
A recent forensic referral I received about relationships drove this point home for me. Do you recall the movie The Sixth Sense, starring Bruce Willis as a therapist? Bruce played Dr. Malcom Crowe who was treating a young boy named Cole who sees ghosts.
A plot synopsis by IMDb lays out the characters, including a young girl in the movie who dies because of her mother’s child abuse: Cole talks to the young ‘ghost’ girl Kyra Collins, played by Mischa Barton, when he goes to her house during her funeral reception. Cole is given a box, which contains a videotape. It turns out Kyra died after a prolonged illness and the funeral guests note that Kyra’s younger sister is starting to get sick, too. Cole opens the box and plays the videotape. Cole gives the tape to Kyra’s father, which shows Kyra’s mother putting floor cleaner fluid in Kyra’s food while she cared for Kyra during her illness. Kyra’s illness and that of her younger sister appears to point to a slow poisoning, what is known psychologically as “Munchausen syndrome by proxy,” and more recently re-labeled as medical child abuse by proxy. What does this have to do with relationships? A lot. Some relationships between parents and children are very troubled.
I recently had a Munchausen by proxy referral in another state where the father was so troubled about separating from their child, they too acted out their distress by imposing extreme child rearing practices. Although the case fortunately did not result in the death of the child, as in The Sixth Sense, it was distressing for me nevertheless.
The National Library of Medicine’s online blog Medline Plus defines Munchausen (now known as factious disorder or medical child abuse) as a rare type of mental disorder in which an adult causes the illness of someone else, typically a child, but it can also be another adult.
Typically, the adult who is treating the person being victimized doesn’t do it for monetary gain. Although the reasons why they act in such a harmful way are not completely known, it appears that the perpetrator may be operating under a misguided desire for attention or need for sympathy as possible reasons.
Some of the symptoms of Munchausen syndrome
The person who acts out Munchausen syndrome typically gains satisfaction from the attention associated with caring for the ill patient or receiving treatment for themselves. Some of the signs of the condition, based on the National Library of Medicine website, include:
- a spectacular medical history that includes many tests, medical procedures and operations.
- an odd collection of seemingly unrelated symptoms.
- a lack of conclusive results despite intense medical investigations.
- new symptoms that appear after medical tests prove negative.
- extensive medical knowledge of many different illnesses on the part of the caregiver or the person suffering.
- frequent visits to many different doctors, sometimes in other states.
- frequent presentation at emergency departments, usually at different hospitals.
What does all of this have to do with HHHGB?
Our parents are the first people with whom we get to interact and model, and from whom we receive our instructions. When those relationships are disturbed, or don’t offer a balance between nurturance, discipline and love, children can be misdirected and learn maladaptive ways of relating to others.
Some parents are well intended, but their anxiety about their child’s wellbeing may get in the way of parenting in a balanced and wholesome way. This is not Munchausen syndrome.
The book “Between Parent and Child” by Dr. Haim Ginott was credited with the first use of the term “Helicopter Parent,” where Ginott quoted a teenager complaining about his mother: “Mother hovers over me like a helicopter…”
Wikipedia refers to a helicopter parent as a cosseting parent or simply a cosseter. The term cosseter is defined as “a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they ‘hover overhead,’ overseeing every aspect of their child’s life.”
Americans are not the only parents acting like a helicopter with their children. In the book “Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother,” a Chinese mother was described by author Nancy Gibbs as showing “extreme parenting” and Gibbs went on to say “tiger mothers focused on (their children’s) success in precision-oriented fields such as music and math,” while helicopter parents are “obsessed with failure and preventing it at all costs.” Another difference Gibbs described was the tiger mother’s emphasis on hard work, where the tiger mother “adopts an extreme, rigid and authoritarian approach toward their children,” which she contrasts to western helicopter parents who “enshrine their children and crave their friendship.”
Munchausen, helicopter and tiger mothers (fathers are not excluded, but interestingly, the science [Diagnostic Statistical Manual, 5 TR 2022] shows the perpetrator of these three conditions are largely women, while only one third are men) build their relationships with their children based on their personal struggle with the need for attention. In our equation HHHGB, the perpetrators are focused on their gut as a means of building their relationships.
Single parenting and their relationships with their children
For me, single parents are unsung heroes. As we know, a single parent is a person who has a child or children but does not have a spouse or live-in partner to assist in the upbringing or support of the child. Reasons for becoming a single parent can include divorce, break-up, abandonment, becoming widowed, domestic violence, rape, childbirth by a single person or single-person adoption.
Historically, single parenting is not a 20th century phenomenon. Estimates according to Wikipedia indicate that in “French, English, or Spanish villages in the 17th and 18th centuries, at least one-third of children lost one of their parents during childhood.” But, different from the 20th century, single parenting was typically shorter in duration as remarriage rates were a lot higher back then.
Now, as a single parent, whether a mother or father, the raising of a child without a partner is a challenge. Even two parent households can be challenged by childcare, financial demands and parenting issues large and small. From our HHHGB perspective, providing a balanced approach is not always a choice but is still a goal.
Based on the Annie E. Casey paper on Child Wellbeing in Single Family Homes, “Among all households in Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) countries in 2011, the proportion of single-parent households was in the 3-11% the range. It was highest in Australia (10%), Canada (10%), Mexico (10%), United States (10%), Lithuania (10%), Costa Rica (11%), Latvia (11%) and New Zealand (11%), while it was lowest in Japan (3%), Greece (4%), Switzerland (4%), Bulgaria (5), Croatia (5%), Germany (5%), Italy (5%) and Cyprus (5%). The proportion was 9% in both Ireland and the United Kingdom.”
The Casey study went on to find “In all OECD countries, most single-parent households were headed by a mother. The proportion headed by a father varied between 9% and 25%. It was lowest in Estonia (9%), Costa Rica (10%), Cyprus (10%), Japan (10%), Ireland (10%) and the United Kingdom (12%), while it was highest in Norway (22%), Spain (23%), Sweden (24%), Romania (25%) and the United States (25%).”
Regardless of the numbers, the challenges experienced by a single parent result in a strain on the parent-child relationship. When under strain, the easiest solution for the immediate resolution of a problem can inadvertently result in longer term problems. In other words, choose your child relationship approach with the end in mind. Easy is not always the best rule of thumb for resolving parent/child rearing challenges.
Sibling relationships
Our siblings play a unique role in our lives. Siblings simulate the companionship of parents as well as the influence and assistance of friends and coworkers. In other words, your sister or brother relationship is the first time you get to learn how to resolve arguments that you will undoubtedly be having with your boss, coworkers or significant other in your adult future.
Siblings typically spend more time with each other during their childhood than they do with parents or anyone else (other than a teacher in a classroom or a fellow player on a sports team). Hopefully siblings begin to trust and cherish each other. When a betrayal by a sibling happens, the consequences can cause immediate emotional problems as well as distrust of others in the betrayed child’s future. When they work well, sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationship in individuals’ lives.
How do you get along with your sibling as an adult? Which of the HHHGB approaches do you use most frequently?
Adulthood and older aged siblings
When individuals leave the nest and start working, as well as becoming engaged in intimate relationships, they realistically drift away from their siblings. However, despite these life experiences, some siblings often maintain a relationship through adulthood and even old age.
If you live close to other members of your immediate family, the likelihood is you will have more contact. Proximity is a large factor in maintaining contact. It makes sense, as living close to a sibling makes it easier to visit each other frequently.
According to Peter Smith & Craig Hart’s 2002 Blackwell Handbook of Childhood Social Development, our understanding about who, how, and why we have meaningful contact with our siblings has changed.
Smith and Hart found “the answer to the question of why siblings differ markedly in their relationship quality was, until relatively recently, answered in terms of birth order, sex of siblings, and the age gap between the siblings. These family constellation variables were thought to affect the children’s relationships through effects on the children’s personalities or temperaments, their intelligence, or motivation. Since the 1980s the framework has broadened, with models that incorporate, in addition to the family constellation variables, the personality characteristics of the children themselves, the quality of relationships within the family, and the social adversities or risks faced by the family.”
One more relationship and our use of HHHGB with coworkers and friends
We now know that the relationships we have with our parents (good, not so good, and bad) as well as our siblings shape our relationships with our friends, coworkers, and bosses when we go to work.
Lauren Simon, Timothy Judge and Marie D.K. Halvorsen-Ganepola’s article “In good company? A multi-study, multi-level investigation of the effects of coworker relationships on employee’s wellbeing,” published in the Journal of Vocational Behavior, found that our coworker and friendship relationships gives us psychological comfort and social support when we are under stress. Simon found “coworker support is strongly related to job satisfaction.”
Dan Chiaburu and David Harrison’s 2008 study “Do peers make the place? Conceptual synthesis and meta-analysis of coworker effects on perceptions, attitudes, OCBs and performance,” found “coworker support can buffer the effects of stressful events, thereby decreasing the adverse effects of stressors on one’s job attitudes.”
Are you still working where you come in contact with coworkers? Which of the HHHGB approaches do you take when resolving conflicts with your friends and colleagues?
Individuals who are satisfied with their coworkers are also likely to befriend them according to Patricia Sias & Daniel Cahill’s 1998 report “From Coworkers to friends: The development of peer relationships in the workplace (Western Journal of Communication).” Sias and Cahill found “the friend-to-close-friend transition was associated primarily with problems in one’s personal and work experiences. Communication at this transition became broader, more intimate, and less cautious. The close friend-to-almost-best-friend transition was associated primarily with life events, work-related problems, and the passage of time. Communication became less cautious and more intimate.”
In other words, when coworkers relate to each other on a personal (less formal) basis, a more meaningful friendship is one of the positive outcomes. The sharing of thoughts and ideas beyond can deepen coworker relationships. But be cautious. Observe how communications are handled before deciding to disclose something about yourself that would be embarrassing if made public. Consider the circumstances, your role and that of the person with whom you are making the connection, along with some of the possible consequences before sharing.
My next column will address the HHHGB phenomenon with intimate relationships, marriages, significant others and when those relationships end in dissolution or divorce.
Thanks for reading the column. Please go to the AI website and post a comment. Questions? Suggestions? Send me an email at psychology@americanisraelite.com. Be well. Stay safe. See you here next month.