By Shivers Mendelssohn
An assistant editor at The American Israelite has frozen to death at her desk in the frigid offices of that newspaper earlier this year. Citing the arctic vortex that slammed Cincinnati in January, publisher Netanel ‘Ted’ Deutsch has issued small hot water bottles to the surviving staff. “They can fill them up, stick them together, and wear them like a jacket,” said Deutsch when questioned about this strategy. Upon investigation of the newspaper office, however, this reporter discovered that the facility does not have hot water.
“We found her at her desk, just as she normally is. She was right in the middle of writing the paper’s archive page. There was nothing unusual about the scene except the icicles growing from the tip of her nose,” said assistant editor Melissa Hunter.
“We just thought she was really dedicated to the job and had come in early to get more work done” added the paper’s graphic designer, Michelle Markwell. “She’s a little grumpy at times so when she didn’t return our greetings from her desk we thought it was par for the course. Turns out she was dead the whole time.”
The remaining employees at The American Israelite have since been finding ways to keep warm while continuing to publish America’s oldest English-Jewish newspaper.
Reports have been made of employees stuffing their shirts full of old issues of the paper for insulation. Deutsch himself has been rumored to come to work dressed in a full wetsuit beneath his clothes to retain body heat. At least one employee reports the loss of several toes to frostbite.
“The news never stops,” said Deutsch, “and neither will we.”
A small memorial to the frozen employee stands outside the offices of The American Israelite, though ironically, as it was made of ice, it melted when the weather turned warmer earlier this month.
