By Schmendrick McGillicutty
Assistant Editor
This is a first hand account of a day-in-the-life of one of our most esteemed of readers. He is a man truly worthy of the title mensch in this fair city of Cincinnati, but this could be anywhere in the world. This interview was conducted over several days last week.
My wife’s and my week begins on Sunday morning. Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. We have to get up early to get over to Kroger in Blue Ash for the markdown specials. At 7 a.m., when the first shift arrives, they put out all the day old shabbat food on sale for next to nothing. What a deal, what a country. I usually will go to the Mikveh before 10 a.m. for a free shower. With the whole day ahead of us we head to French Park for walking and exercise. Dinner comes from our haul at Kroger. Settling in to watch some free TV before bed.
Monday morning: Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. I am up bright and early to go over to the learning center for free breakfast. If I get there early enough I can snag my favorite bagel, cinnamon and raisin. The coffee is pretty good too. Thanks learning center. I am off to the J to hang out and read the free papers they put out in the lobby. I will need to figure out if there is a free lunch lecture today that I can attend. I may go back home and watch TV. I do love the “Price is Right” and “Lets Make a Deal.” I dream of being on them and winning it big.
Tuesday: Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. Rinse and repeat yesterday’s itinerary.
Wednesday: Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. Rinse and repeat yesterday’s itinerary.
Thursday: Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. Oh boy $5 rotisserie chicken at Kroger. Buy two: one for today and Friday’s meal, and the second for the weekend.
Friday: Wake up and check my flip phone — no messages, no calls. Eating second $5 special for lunch — tasty. If there is a Friday Night Shabbat tonight, I can get a free meal.
Shabbat is my day to shine. No flip phone today — no one ever calls anyway. If I get up early enough, I can eat at four kiddushim today. I start with the early minyan at the first shul and that finishes at 10:30 a.m., a great kiddush today. Then I head over to the second shul, they finish around 11:15 a.m., and I can get kiddush there. Then I head to the third shul — they have kiddush around 11:45 a.m. and I can eat again. Then to top off my day I go back to the first shul and finish up my kiddush hopping. Four kiddushim — I am stuffed. No need for lunch, no need for dinner, but I will go to Shalosh Seudos just because its free. I should get a medal for this.
I would like to go into more detail about all my daily activities, but I just don’t have the time right now. I am off to the local thrift store — 25% off today. Another long and very fun week. Goodnight all. Hey, If it’s free it’s for me.
All the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. We don’t want to offend anyone. These two pages are all a hoax. It’s our annual Purim issue. Nothing is real. It’s Purim. Have some fun.