By Makhasheyfe Paskudnik
Assistant Editor
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ah yes, the sign of the ram. You’re known for your ambition and bravery. But you might want to rethink that solo hiking trip around Mount Moriah that you’ve been planning. If you do go, steer clear of any thickets.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This month you’ll meet the woman of your dreams. She’s beautiful and has a rich family. After the wedding night, you’ll wake up next to her sister. I don’t know what you did but it was very uncool and now everyone is talking about you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A couple of guests are going to stop by your house this month and look for a place to stay. You’ll be fine with it, but the rest of the townsfolk will get super weird. Invest in a good deadbolt. On an unrelated note, it’s a good time to check your home insurance policy for brimstone coverage.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A talking donkey is going to try to give you a message. Don’t ask me why — it’s just a thing that’s going to happen. You’re probably not going to listen to her anyway. Additionally, a journey you’re planning will have an unforeseen delay. Don’t blame the donkey.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You, dear Leo, are as fierce as a lion. Sadly, you’re the lion that Samson ripped in half in the vineyard so….your ferocity is really more of a “past tense” issue. RIP to a real one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your two sons will vie for your attention this month, but only one will be successful. Don’t trust what is in front of your eyes; follow your nose.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re going to have a successful harvest this month, which means you’re going to get super drunk and pass out. On the bright side you’ll wake up married. Hey — what happens on the threshing floor stays on the threshing floor.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will meet a mysterious woman wearing a veil on your way to Timnah this month. Talk to her! It’s time you got back out there. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This month you’ll feel as though you’ve been anointed by God to have success in all your endeavors. Sadly, you will be wrong. You should have learned how to play the lyre. Everyone loves a musician.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This month you’ll finally start making those cow figurines made from upcycled costume jewelry that you’ve been talking about. It will be a bad idea. Your Etsy shop is going to take a major hit from this.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
In the midst of your traveling this month you’re going to be attacked randomly. Your wife will save you by circumcising your son. That’s it. That’s the prediction. Don’t ask me to explain this one. This feels personal.
Pisces (February 19 – Mach 20)
Forty two children will razz you while you’re out on a walk. It’s probably no big deal. Kids will be kids. Don’t overreact — that Rogaine will start working soon, I’m sure.