By Farfroyrn Toches
Assistant Editor
The staff of The American Israelite barely survived the blizzard that hit the Greater Cincinnati area in January, with reports that some staffers resorted to cannibalism during the snowstorm.
“That’s just how deep our commitment to the weekly news is,” stated one employee, who chose to remain nameless for fear of the social stigma attached to maneating.
The staffers initially arrived at the office before the blizzard started, effectively becoming snowed in as the storm progressed. “There’s no hot water here, and for food all we had was a five gallon drum of Double Bubble, so things got desperate pretty quickly,” said an anonymous source.
The staff continued to report breaking local news while scrounging up food, however, ensuring that the community could stay informed.
“We’d had a raccoon problem earlier in the year,” said another staffer. “Some of those fuzzy little guys kept coming around to check the traps for food. Then they became food.”
The mood at the office began to sour when it became clear the staff would have to spend the night in the uninsulated, cinder block building.
“We had to burn some of our archival material for warmth. We were hoping to digitize those later this year, but we admit there may now be some gaps in the content that we used for fuel.”
After a few days, the raccoons had caught on to the staffers plans, they reported, and they were unable to catch any more. “Things turned ugly after that.”
Fortunately, the officemates were able to identify “nonessential” staff that would make for a tasty dish without slowing down the publishing process.
“We couldn’t get the paper out with our tummies rumbling like that,” said a source. “We decided to eat our copy editor.”
The Israelite has seen a turnover in copy editing staff in the past year, which explains why the permanent staffers saw that position as superfluous.
“If we were going to make a sacrifice, it was going to be in the editing department,” said another staffer.
“Listen, are we proud of it? Not really. Did it taste like chicken? Yes. Did we get the paper out on time? Yes. And that’s really all that matters,” the staffer added.
It behooves this news source to report that, despite their many sacrifices to bring Cincinnati their local Jewish news, mail carriers were unable to deliver the papers until several days later when the streets were cleared.
“I don’t regret it for a second,” said a staffer, leaving the office with a toothpick in her mouth. “We have a commitment to this community — a community we would kill for, and I’m proud of the work we did and the recipes we developed during the blizzard.”